Bonking

Ok quickly up to speed here with what's going on...I bit off way more then I can chew. My plate is too full. I've let myself get sucked in to something that I never should have. That being said what the devil (I may mean that literally) intended for evil God can use for His good. I am a work in progress (BIG TIME) but hope all I do can bring honor & glory to God. I signed up for summer team before I even finished my olympic distance race. I signed up to fundraise another almost $3000 (which in all honesty is the only part I'm actually ok with). I signed up to do a 1/2 ironman with so little experience. I signed up to train for a 1/2 ironman with so little time in my life to train. (can I use that as an excuse for not blogging).
Post Lavaman I turned into a sloth for weeks. There was post race depression, jet lag, trying to get life back in order. I had no motivation. I finally got out with the summer team& the first ride I went on I sucked I was so slow I got behind. I turned back on the ride cause I had to work & it was taking me forever. I got lost rode all this extra mileage didn't get out on the run. My performance was pathetic, my heart & head just not in it.
After that I finally got in with GI dr. I spent a whole week prepping & recovering from an Intestine biopsy. So miserable! Only for Dr to say nothing is wrong. I'd rather be dealing with figuring out my gut issues then training for a race I have serious doubts I can finish (just being honest).

I had a brief fainting spell when I was in bed for 3 days. Wanted to quit, was in tears over everything when my tri-Kate spirit decided I wanted out of my funk. Let's face it there is no maybe at this point I have to show up race day. I started by making a training schedule that was based off a few plans i found online & the team schedule. That made me feel better about fitting in training. Then I cleaned out my van & organized all my tri stuff. That made me feel more prepared. I showed up next training feeling ready to do this....
That was until Coach Trent started talking to us about the brick. He described rolling hills, he used the word "deadly", steep downhills, no bike lanes in narrow windy roads. At mile 37 we were to get off bikes & run for 30-60 minutes. It was already hot & we hadn't left yet! I think I prayed lord Jesus help me a thousand times listening to that. I took my inhaler so between that & my anxiety my heart was palpitating! We took off to ride & almost right away Denise had her chain come off. I stopped to help her. Happened a second time & I waited again. I'm not leaving her but I'm so slow at this stuff I need all the time I can get. I was so freaked out I was nearly in tears. I wanted to take her bike breaking as a sign i should just quit it all now. I felt doomed, it seemed like I had lost too much time training & was starting over. All these negative thoughts going through my head she says you have Skips jersey on you have a special angel looking out for you today. She sold me some used gear this week from her late husband. Amazing man who battled cancer, a bike accident left him paraplegic & TNT legend. That sort of snapped me out of it until we had to go up scripps poway parkway. That hill was every bit as hard as ever. All I can say is thank God Brian was helping out team this ride & being sweeper.
He has become on of my fav peeps. I like that he doesn't sugar coat anything but doesn't be an a** either. This poor guy got stuck with me & never made me feel like it was a bummer to wait for my slow ride. After we got over the hill I took off & ended up with just one other teammate Ann. Coach Trent was not joking about the ride. It was miles & miles of rolling winding roads through the country. Beautiful YES. Tough YES. I was so intent on getting through it & hanging on for dear life I did not get my hydration on at all. I was too scared to try to drink while riding. (should I of stopped yes-but I felt dumb & didn't wanna stop in the middle of no where). By the time I got to SAG I was a mess! Coach G had talked to us over & over
about it & I quickly became aware of why he warned us. BONKING!!! when you don't take care of your nutrition & hydration & keep cool you BONK. Well I was there I was panting couldn't catch my breath, dizzy, felt faint. I couldn't even think or talk really. I was more then done at that moment (not even 1/2 way through the brick by the way). It took me a long time to recover again poor Brian got stuck with me. I'd say he is a saint cause the next 10 miles or so I turned into a grumpy hateful whining person. Granted none of that directed at him. I was just thankful he wasn't ditching me cause I'm sure he wanted to! At a stoplight a man says to me are you riding for leukemia lymphoma? Yes I say. He said I'm a Hodgkin's survivor thank you. OH YEAH!!!! That's why I'm out here doing the most grueling thing I've ever experienced in my life!!!! Because it's nothing compared to what the blood cancer patients go through. Ok so that revelation helped in the moment but I was still going through every emotion, physically past my limit when Saint Brian understood & agreed I had places to be & was in no shape to finish today. He showed me to the place I could turn back to my car (after a few more grueling hills). Anyone else think he just wanted away from me?!?!!!
What did I take away from this? I felt like a quitter a failure like there is no way I'm ever gonna finish my 70.3. I realized I don't have the time it's gonna take to do these Saturday rides. I felt like I was basically screwed. Sunday I somewhat redeemed myself. I went with team for ocean swim & for the first time ever I went out 100% confident. It was NOT flat calm, there was swells & it was not easy. There wasn't a moment that I lacked confidence. It was challenging but not a moment where I didn't know I was capable.

I started out when I signed up this time saying I can't do this, I can't raise another $3000, I can't do this distance..I knew in that moment it was all God. Doesn't He always do that?! Strip us of every last bit of self so that He can do the work through us & in us. I'm not complete...in fact I'm a mess...more in need of Him then ever. I'm really can't see how it's gonna happen but I have faith it will. I trust God allows me to bonk during training so I won't during the race...