sometimes you gotta run.......

I know the blog is called becoming a triathlete AND I am tri-Kate.....but I have a feeling it's gonna take on a different them this next year.

I know that I have actually done 2 sprint distance triathlons and my next one is a few months away. Yet I still dont feel like I could legitimately call myself a triathlete. Kinda the same as I got in another size smaller pants and dont feel like I look any different. I still see a fat girl in the mirror. I cant imagine if I met someone and said I'm a triathlete....but in a way I am right??? People keep telling me I look great and I dont see it. I hope that changes. As I write and read this I think it is apparent I have some serious self esteem and confidence issues.

With my brother losing his battle to leukemia this past week it feels like a huge shift is going to happen. I never in a million years knew that it (losing my brother) would feel this way....
Not to seem insenitive or like a horrible person but my brother was a quirky guy and we didnt always get along like 2 peas in a pod. That being said there was no hostility or bad feelings we just were pretty different. Differences didnt stop the bond of being siblings or the love you have for someone that has been a part of your entire life. Something I have been made even more aware of. There is this huge void in my life and heart already. Not to mention he was my kids Uncle and that is a void for them.

Some things definitely changed when he was sick. It was like he softened his heart more towards me and everyone really. He let down some of his walls and made himself more vulernable. I was blessed to stay with him that night in the hospital and care for him BUT if also gave me the chance to show him and myself the love I have for him.

As I said before I know that I will be racing in his honor now but I also feel like doing this having a plan and purpose to focus on and the amount of time it takes will help me heal. I certainly hope!!

This past week I was swamped planning his memorial service with my sister. It was so much to do!! I took the week off of work and it ended up being a week off from the gym. I wanted to go everyday but I just never had time. I made it one day for like 20 min and ran/walked barely 2 miles. I was discouraged. The last thing I want is a set back or to get behind in training/fitness levels. Besides I ate terrible all week and I know it will catch up with me.

Yesterday was my brother's memorial. I woke up and wanted to go for a run. First of all to stay on track and second because I need the time to clear my head and sweat things out. I tried to go to the lake by my parents but it was pitch black and kinda scary. So I bailed that place, got the gym and they were closed until 7a. I was then headed down to the bay....wondering what is wrong with me just go home!!! It was literally an hour of driving around before I got to the bay. Once I started running it felt awesome. I got my favorite worship songs playing and I kept running and running. I eneded up doing the 4.5 miles i was supposed to with energy to spare. Some people may think badly that I excercised on his memorial day. The thing is I felt like if i didnt go today I may never bgo. It was exactly what I needed some time alone with God. it was probably hands down my best run ever. It helped give me confidence I will get through this all while God heals my heart and that I will finsih that race.

Thank you Jesus for the comfort and love only you can give