Friday morning at The Cove

So is there anyone besides me that appreciates I am totally transparent and honest here? I share my failures as well as my successes. Let's face it I would be a liar if I said I succeed at everything I do. Remember trying on my first wetsuit??? THAT was the ultimate failure haha!
Anyway after Sunday's team swim an email went out that a group meets at La Jolla Cove on Friday mornings to swim. I had just said I was commited to improving my open water swim and that I wanted to join the tri club or find a group to swim with. This seems my answer...
I replied to the email that I was interested BUT not a strong or confident swimmer. I was assured that others had joined them in the past who were also and now good swimmers and that someone would stick with me.
I.wasn't.lying....
I was so stressed about the cold again. I just dreaded getting in the freezing water...until I got there and I saw the actual water we were swimming in :( It was so rough (I've been told it wasn't THAT rough-by people that are great swimmers!). Anyway it might as well have been the perfect storm to me. The plan was to swim to the 1/4 mile buoy and back. No one seemed the least bit apprehensive but me. I got in the water and honestly it wasnt cold. Wetsuit was doing its job. The problem I faced is I SUCK!!! I suck at swimming, I suck sea water when I try to swim, I have no stamina cause I hyperventilate, I suck at relaxing and doing what I am supposed to. I struggled to dog paddle my way through the water. I did terrible I couldnt get two feet with out stopping and choking on water, my goggles fogged up, I was burping and puking and snot coming out....ugh it was terrible!!!
I felt so stupid. Coach was swimming with me, I could tell he was getting frustrated. He kept telling me what I was doing wrong and what to do right but I just SUCKED!!!! I was cussin a lot too, like I had tourettes & I never cuss...it really brought the worst out in me. I was whining and crying. Everyone else made it to the buoy and headed back. I turned around with them and was even worse! I hate that feeling when you are going against the current and you feel like you are not moving. I seriously almost started to panic! I am so prideful though I just whined instead of saying what I was thinking. Coach says "why dont you focus on what you can control instead of what you cant). I can control being pissed at you right now sucka for saying that!! I'm actually so thankful he was there with me. As frustrating as I am sure it was he stuck it out & didnt leave me to die! He is very patient and obviously experieced.
I finally dog paddled my way back and made the most ungraceful plop onto the sand on the short. About 3 people stuck it out to wait for me. I must say I felt like the lamest triathlete on the planet (not that I held my skills in high regard). I spent the whole day replaying everything in my head. Kicking myself for being so bad. Trying to figure out why I couldn't get it together. It frustrates me that something like fishing comes second nature to me and it is virtually effortless for me to be the best...but this is constantly a challenge (obviously why I like it-but still frustrating). Even when I learn something new in fishing a knot or new style of casting or when I went fresh water, it just came to me. This stuff none of it does!
The coach I had emailed about coming said after "the question now is, are you coming back?" I said "yes I will be here every Friday". One thing that can be said about me is that I will keep at this until I can do it. Giving up is not on option for me.